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Self Compassion and Kindness

First thoughts…

I’m curious about Self Compassion or ‘Kindness to self’

It sounds obvious, we’re familiar with compassion to others, and this is necessarily encouraged and practiced, yet there’s confusion maybe and even squeamishness about a stated practice of compassion to ourselves. Culturally and socially, we’re not best practiced.

 

The reading that I have, to date, notched up on all things trauma, mental, physical and spiritual well being, all strongly advocate directing compassion to ourselves.

 

To be clear: compassion is ‘the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering’

 

I’m curious that I’ve experienced and witnessed that at precisely the moment, in our own suffering, that we need to turn inwards with compassion and kindness, not only is it difficult to do, but we often ‘double up’ in our patterns of self destructiveness and self criticism.

 

On Being Kind 

 

Being kind..compassionate…to ourselves 💜

 

So, I've been delving more into the theme of compassion..

 

I found myself listening to Brene Brown, a fierce advocate and a disciplined, inspiring practitioner with regard to how we have to do ‘the work’ to realise our best selves  -  for our own sakes and for being our best for our families, community and planet.

 

Brene talks about how truly being compassionate to yourself and others requires you to recognise the light and darkness within yourself first. She says we have to begin with our own darkness, explore it, get to know it, and treat ourselves with loving-kindness. Learn to create empathy for yourself. And it is only then, that you can know how to sit in the darkness with others.

 

Brene also talks about the important distinction between compassion and empathy. She describes compassion as a commitment and spiritual practice. Empathy is the greatest tool of compassion, which can be easily learnt.  She also talks about the case for teaching compassion.

 

 She explains that society and the ‘stories’ accompanying our lives, have messed with our lovability, creativity and divinity. Most of us, as a result, experience suffering.

 

I agree fundamentally with Brene when she says, ‘We are inherently loveable, inherently holy and inherently creative… and that no one can take that away from us.’

 

The practice of compassion – for self and others, and for planet, of which we are an integral part, was never more needed than in our current times. The good news is that it is a practice that is free and accessible to all. And the benefits are huge: ‘increased levels of happiness, optimism, curiosity and connectedness, as well as decreased anxiety, depression, rumination and fear of failure.’  It is fundamental to how we nurture ourselves and transform into our best selves, thus helping to create a world with a better chance of survival, conflict resolution, and peace.

 

Simple but potentially revolutionary 😊

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Reflections on Compassion  

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Introducing final reflections on Compassion and how to use for our own benefit and the natural benefits

that flow organically to those around us ❤️

 

I’ve always been intrigued with how when you really focus in on something and really dive deep, it gets

amplified, you trip upon a lesson, you realise you need the lesson.

 

Isn’t it easy to see the world through the lens of ‘them and us’?  Don’t we all love a rant at what isn’t going right/whose fault it is/what we would do instead (yup, guilty as charged..) This is only a common human behaviour, of course. However, it comes with a price.. risking a continuation of the age-old pattern of tribalism, judgement, a need for separation and a suspicion of difference. Ultimately, the cost includes disconnection from others, a propensity towards a negative mindset, a need to feel superior. It generally culminates in a life based on mistrust and fear. It’s part ancestral, part collective trauma  - surviving wars, basic needs not being met, abusive parenting etc.

But there is another side of common human behaviour that is better for us, as individuals and collectively.

And the good news is that we have so much more knowledge, resources and wisdom that we can now draw on 😊

 

It all starts with us.

 

 As an RCT (Root Cause Therapy) Practitioner, I have gained a deeper understanding of how our emotional patterns (this can include ancestral) intervene in our ability to be in the moment, engaging and enjoying our lives, not held captive by previous deep-seated hurts and wounds from our past.

 Our minds can only do so much to try and change these patterns. Will power takes us so far but doesn’t liberate us from powerful negative emotions that, when properly processed and released, can really allow us to transform our lives. RCT works with the unconscious mind (this is where the real power for change resides) and also includes using the powerful tool of Somatic release. Briefly explained, our emotions are held within the soma (the body). There is recognition now that negative emotions are held in the body and manifest in physical illness if not processed and released.

This is also where the practice of Self-Compassion can aid change and recovery. Unfortunately, even today, societal norms and conditions do not encourage kindness to self. And yet, if we can practice this with ourselves, not only do we benefit hugely, but we naturally start to practice it with those around us.

 

A simple way to start your own practice, (helping to self soothe, and self-regulate your nervous system - especially useful for anyone struggling with anxiety or depression) is to try the following gentle somatic exercise:

Put one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly for a few minutes. Notice how this feels. This simple yet powerful exercise, can evoke feelings of safety, soothing and softening and relaxing our biology. It can evoke oxytocin (the hormone associated with bonding and self-soothing) and reduce the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. It also instantly communicates to our physiology – that we are ‘there’ for ourselves. 

Then practice saying to yourself  - ‘May I be Happy, May I be forgiving of myself (and how I’m feeling), May I be kind to myself’ As you say these gently to yourself, as you have your hand on your heart, you may notice that you start to soften, relax and feel more self-compassion towards yourself and more able to be kinder, gentler in thought and action to others.

 

Another antidote to feelings of general lowness, anxiety, depression, or even just a bout of procrastination can be to move and engage in some kind of exercise or movement. This can help discharge stress and support natural endorphins. Even be adventurous and treat your body to a new form of movement—this can energise and leave us feeling empowered.

 

These qualities of kindness, care, and engagement with life, which support a joyful connection with life, are available to all of us. We then benefit again by connecting through these qualities and experiencing joy by witnessing and sharing the happiness of others.

 

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Does this resonate with you? …

 

Those ‘here – I-am-again’ feelings of anxiety and worthlessness, angry flare-ups over seemingly nothing, a constant self-critic in your head, finding yourself in the same kind of life situation or relationship that has you wondering how to cope..disengaging with life because it just feels too hard,….

 RCT works because it engages both your mind and body to make powerful changes that last. It supports you in an integral and remarkably swift way to let ‘stuff’, emotional baggage, go. The gift is that you get to take your life back—free to live in the present and empowered to positively plan the future.

 

Read on for a two-part piece on the benefits of somatic exercise and experience and why it keeps us well, along with some basic somatic exercises for you to use.  Somatic work is integrated into the sessions I provide for full body/mind/spirit wellness.

Yours to keep you well in body, mind and soul 💜

 

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Somatic Exercise and Experience

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Who isn’t challenged by busyness, and who amongst us doesn’t use the term

‘stress’ at least once or even several times a day? How many of us feel that

we operate more like human doings than beings? So this is where the power

of somatic movement can be an extraordinary tool in keeping us well and even                                                  to help us recover and heal from the general illnesses – the colds, the flues, the

stress-induced ‘wipe outs’. I could go on...

Somatic movement offers a gentle way to destress and release tension. It can help us to uncover, and release buried emotions or traumas stored in our bodies.

 It’s all about using and working with the wisdom of our own bodies mindfully (this really means focus. slow intake and release of the breath). It involves exploring and experiencing movement patterns, sensations and emotions in a slow, gentle and conscious manner. It can include yogic-type movements, breathwork, and visualisation to encourage a different relationship with your body. This is a relationship that isn’t about commanding our bodies to look and behave in a certain way but about listening to our bodies and moving with care, following where the breath is going, contracting, and expanding into tension. You’ll be surprised by how the more you practice, the more your body will crave this freeing, attentive, inclusive (all body) experience.

So here with something you can try at home, in your own space:

Allow yourself to be curious.

What does it feel like to be in your body now? Close your eyes, how does it feel in your body in this moment?

Set the intention to move your focus from the external (people/place/situation) to the internal (emotions/sensations/thoughts).

Body scan. No judgment. How you feel in your body can change from day to day, month to month. But somatic practice and body checks allow you to listen to your own body’s intelligence rather than what your mind is telling you about your body.

What comes up? Allow for the emotions, breathe deeply into your body and breathe out – releasing tension and the energy of the emotion.

You may feel energised or you may feel the need to rest. All is appropriate and most important is to go with what your body needs.

This is the beginning of a beautiful relationship 😊

 

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On our need for approval..

 

It’s an uncomfortable subject and it goes deep.

The need to feel approval- from family, peer group, work, society.. is both a

necessary function for behaviour but can also impede our desire to be ourselves,

can give rise to anxiety and if our own self worth, self esteem is low, we can

become victim to it.

Question is..Is it truly compatible with our deep need to honour our free spirit? ..that we’re all born with.

So where does it come from? Why does it have such a hold over us? What can we do to loosen its hold over us? Should we allow it to be a force that guides us?

There’s no doubting the necessary need for a framework of appropriate behaviour in society - to have a respect and responsibility towards each other ..that will always need to evolve, sometimes even thrown out and recreated, that supports a civilised society. However the need to blindly honour structures, behaviours and conform to them, can also be where a need for approval, often born out of fear of not wanting to be seen as different is where we can dull who we are, our spirits, our authentic selves.

 

To be our best, to contribute, to be part of a tapestry, to be curious, open to adventure… none of this aligns with a need for external approval.

 

The need for approval will be related to and be the result of living with the limiting beliefs that we can internalise ancestrally, from the collective ….and of course from our own unique life experiences. As mentioned, if we struggle with low self esteem, self worth, anxiety, our need for approval can be excessive and we can feel imprisoned.

 

Maybe a starting point, is to consider the antithesis of approval.

 

We can ask ourselves; What frees the spirit? What connects us to our essence? What makes our soul sing? What makes us stand up/stand out from the crowd, defend our values with passion and knowing?

 

So now I ask you to write those questions down in bold letters on a blank piece of paper. Place them in front of you. Sit and meditate, or whatever you do to reflect, be still in your mind and contemplate. See what comes up. Note it down. Can you find actions that resonate? This is important work. For the life you really desire and deserve.

 

The practice of Root Cause Therapy can powerfully aid your journey. It can free you from that need for external approval by identifying and releasing those limiting beliefs that you live with. The ones that result in you telling yourself to be quiet, shutting yourself down, feeling so far from who you are.

 

I invite you to try RCT. Be bold, be curious. Be open to welcoming a more authentic you.

 

More on Anxiety 

 

Anxiety. It features large for many of us in so many ways – our own experience, our children, our wider family, our friends... In fact, how many of us reach the end of the day without mentioning the words anxiety/anxious at least once? And considering the negative bias that is a cultural live-with, how many of us can truly say that throughout our day, we regularly use the terms resilience, strength, resourceful or similar such words to describe our general state?

So, what could help us on the journey to free ourselves from its grasp? Firstly, I discovered that knowledge of something we are challenged by gives us valuable insight into how to manage, recover, and experience release from it.

 

So what is it?

 

Anxiety is a set of intense emotions with usually an accompanying distressed mental state that can also manifest in physical symptoms. This is as a result of having been in a state of fear in the past. At this time, we couldn’t express our emotions, and there was no one there to support us in processing them and releasing those emotions from our nervous systems. This could be from one event or multiple ongoing traumatic events.

If unprocessed, these emotions which become ‘warning signals’ get projected into the future as worst-case scenarios, which again activate the fear response, usually without consciously knowing why. Unchecked, this locked-in state of fear can result in different forms of anxiety, including PTSD, generalised anxiety, phobias, panic disorders and social anxiety.

 

But here’s the thing - let’s not assume we want to be rid of anxiety per se. The feelings that are associated with anxiety are valid and often appropriate responses to an external stimulus. It is when these feelings, mental state and associated physical symptoms are overwhelming and triggered as a regular fear response that we need to explore ways to heal.

 

The good news is that there are ways to properly process the emotions associated with the initial traumatic or difficult circumstances and restore balance.

 

However, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. We are all unique, so what works for one does not necessarily work for another. But there are now many safe techniques, including some therapies that no longer require years and years on the couch.

 

In my search to understand, navigate, and find ways to mitigate, live with, and find release and respite from anxiety, I have explored different therapies and techniques, observing and questioning those trying different ways on their journeys. In the wellbeing groups for women that I coordinate and the one-to-one sessions I run, exploring the challenges that anxiety brings.

 

What I gleaned early on was that talking therapies can provide an opportunity to gain knowledge about the roots of what we are struggling with, an understanding that leads to self-awareness. There is power here. It can help us realise that if we understand the roots of our anxiety, then we have made a significant start on the path of healing.

 

But here’s the thing; It’s all about keeping our ‘four bodies’ well.

Let me explain: The four bodies relate to the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual (or whatever is comfortable for you to use here – maybe ‘connection’, a one-ness with others/ the natural world). If we engage simply the mind on our healing journey, we risk a very long journey to complete recovery and wellness. After all, we are only engaging some 20 per cent of ourselves – ignoring the other three bodies. A powerful analogy is the iceberg. The tip of the iceberg (and the above water bit) is the mind. Underneath the water is where so much more is going on; this is where our stuck and repetitive emotional patterns reside, stagnating in our bodies.

To truly heal, we need a holistic approach to wellness. For example, if we choose to ignore what is happening in the body, we risk the manifestation of physical illness as a result of traumas and negative emotional patterns that we have not processed and released.

 

To follow:  let’s look at ways to restore balance optimum health… and how to work with the four bodies for long-lasting wellness and release from overwhelming anxiety.